I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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