Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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