1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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