There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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