I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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