this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
