Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
