2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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