Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
