The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
