Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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