i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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