Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me