i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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