I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
A+ Viking dick
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
