so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
