Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
