It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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