you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
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i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?