i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
