I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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