you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
