a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
