she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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