My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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