I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
