just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
