i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
