did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
