the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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