sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
