The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
