And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
