First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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