You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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