i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
