I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
