If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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