woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
