I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
