weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
