Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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