I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
