No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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