Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
