Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize