U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
