His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
