I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
