he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
