Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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