Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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