at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up under a house in Key West
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