tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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