She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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