I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
